Boundaries: 6 Tips for Understanding and Establishing Healthy Personal Limits
Have you ever wondered why many of your relationships just seem…frustrating. Like people are always pulling you in a million directions and it just feels so…overwhelming. Maybe you’ve even thought, “I never have the time or energy to invest in myself because I’m always giving to others.” And next comes the resentment and that stuck feeling. If you’ve ever been in this boat, or maybe you’re there now, welcome. I have a few bits of advice that might be helpful!
Ok, so let’s talk about something called boundaries. I’ll admit, this topic does seem to be a pretty hot topic these days- especially on social media forums. Maybe you’ve seen it too. If you have heard about it, maybe you’ve gotten some conflicting messages about it, and it’s hard to make sense of it all. Maybe a good place to start is to first discuss what boundaries are not.
1. First, boundaries are not about controlling other people. Boundaries are all about you, and they are for you. It’s all about what YOU will and won’t do. It’s about you protecting you. For example, suppose someone says or does something that feels very uncomfortable or even harmful to you. The focus is really not on what that person did, but how you are going to respond to that thing to protect yourself.
2. Next, I want you to think of boundaries as a boundary line, similar to that of a property line on a map. Property lines contain something, right? Now imagine that you are surrounded by an imaginary boundary line all around you, protecting your most valuable assets...YOU!
3. This “property line” is valuable because it helps others understand what is acceptable and unacceptable to you in terms of your energy, time, physical and emotional space, etc. People can knowingly and unknowingly cross your personal property line, and it’s up to you to let them know and then uphold the boundary. So be clear in your own mind first concerning what does and does not work for you.
4. Communication is key. Communicating your personal boundaries to others in a clear and direct way will involve a certain amount of assertiveness on your part. I want to pause here and recognize that this can be uncomfortable for some…especially if this wasn’t exactly modeled to you growing up. In this case, it may be useful for you to seek the help of a trusted therapist who can encourage you with validation and teach you self-compassion as you navigate these uncharted waters.
5. I want you to understand you cannot control how others receive your information concerning your personal boundaries. Some people may react in a disapproving way. Some may be open to hearing more. Seeing people’s reactions to your boundary setting is good information to take note of- especially if you notice a pattern of unwanted and invalidating behavior.
6. Here’s the good news: the more you set healthy boundaries in friendships, with family, in the workplace, with your partner, etc. and push through the uncomfortableness, the easier it all tends to get. Remember, setting healthy boundaries takes practice, as it is a skill. Setting healthy boundaries may not always be exactly “fun” in the short-term but be patient with yourself and keep your eye on the prize. Because in the long run it can yield beautiful and healthy connection with emotionally healthy folks and with yourself. And isn’t that one of the most beautiful parts of life?