The Value of Sitting With Your Feelings
Feelings
How we think about feelings and their value is based largely on what was modeled and taught to us growing up. For some, certain emotions/feelings such as sadness, grief, or anger were taught to be inappropriate to express. To cope with the family’s feelings “rule” many people choose to disconnect from their feelings by suppressing, avoiding, and/or numbing to not feel. So, what’s your story? Take a pause here and really think through what your family’s spoken or unspoken “rules” were concerning feelings and the expression of certain emotions. Are there any self-destructive habits such as shopping, watching tv/playing video games, drinking too much, smoking/using drugs, etc. that you use to avoid feeling certain emotions?
Did you know that feelings have an important message for us? Our feelings can be viewed as an alarm bell that we need to move forward or away from something. In the case of positive emotions such as joy or excitement, our feelings can motivate us to move toward meeting a need. In the case of negative emotions such as fear or shame, our uncomfortable emotions lead us away from a perceived threat. But what if we ignore or suppress these alarm bells of emotions? We can make errors in judgment in our attempt to quickly minimize or stop the emotions. For example, we can avoid taking risks that might be good for us, stay in unhealthy relationships too long, or miss something meaningful.
And feelings tend to only get louder if ignored.
What do we do to help ourselves deal with the feelings that can often feel so overwhelming? We can sit with our feelings, which means we simply make space for them. Not trying to fix anything or make quick decisions based on our feelings, but truly allow ourselves to feel what we’re feeling without judgment and with curiosity. So how do we do this exactly?
1. Name it to tame it.
It’s important to give a name to the emotion that you’re feeling. Like really get specific here, instead of saying “I’m mad” or “I’m sad.” Using an emotion wheel is often helpful to really get specific. Keep in mind that sometimes anger is a secondary emotion to feelings such as hurt or fear.
2. Get curious.
Once you have a better understanding of what you’re feeling, begin to ask yourself important questions such as what message are these emotions trying to convey? In what other situations have I felt like this? Journaling may be helpful in doing this exercise.
3. Feel it in your body.
Give your body permission to mindfully feel the physical sensations of the emotions that come up for you.
4. Validate the Feeling
Showing kindness and self-compassion to yourself in light of your emotions is crucial here. Talk to yourself in a way that you would talk to a friend who is struggling with something similar.
5. Guidance
It can be helpful to seek the guidance of a trusted counselor. Counselors help you in this process of navigating emotions in the best ways by creating a safe space, helping you find meaning in the emotions, and ultimately helping you to feel increased joy by deeply connecting with yourself. In this, we can know what our values are and what is meaningful and important to us. What a gift!